Archbishops lamp? [INDEX: Humor]

43. Archbishops lamp? by Lightinter (lightinter@aol.com)
    Posted: September 17, 1998 @ 13:13.
    I have a glass bottle full of paraffin, into which a brass thingy puts some tape. It has a bottomless bottle on top and when I put a match to it it lights up and stinks - whatever can it be: its stinks out my vestry when I light it. I'll be good mannered and say "thank you" if anyone answers - not like the rest of the people wanting answers.
    

• On September 17, 1998 @ 19:01, Brother Filasticus, boy CyberSquire (fgraff@comcast.net) wrote:
  Dear Father Lightinter: Sir, that sure is a funny name. Most of the people who demand answers use their real names. Is Lightinter the name you were born with? I've dealt with the likes of you before, methinks! The problem with your brass thingy is the TAPE you use. Video tape or tape from your old 8-track recorder burns entirely too quickly for brass thingys and paraffin, and because of its essentially "plastic" composition, tends to smell awfully when ignited, even when coated with petrochemicals like paraffin wax. Paraffin on this side of the Big Pond (you sound English, or least Anglican) tends to be a solid substance, so I'd suggest somehow heating it until it becomes a clear liquid, sufficiently thin in viscosity to be conducted by capillary action through the nice flat Braided ribbon you will make as the next step, following the instructions following: What you need do is to unravel the fringe on your alb (providing it is made from cotton, or at least a cotton-like vegetable fiber), braid it into a flat rope, and push that rope down into the slot in the brass thingy until it hangs down enough to dangle in the now LIQUID paraffin. If you light the rope sodden in liquid paraffin (and you might have to wait an hour or so for the rope to soak up the paraffin), and then replace the bottomless bottle in its accustomed position a top the brass thingy, you may be astonded at both the absense of non-clerical odors in your vestry, and the amount of illumination this marvelous device produces.
  Of course, you could avoid the whole problem by simply flicking the wall switch connected to the main to the ON position, and the electrickeral "bulb" that hangs from the ceiling over your pulpit will "come on", and produce much more light than the device you asked about, no aroma, and it needn't be refilled when the fuel runs out. That, thankfully, is the job of the Utility Board!
  I admire your courtesy and good intentions, Father Lightinter. Many of those who approach the Sacred Mountain seeking arcane knowledge DO express thanks when they recieve the information they sought (and in most cases, more), but there are, alas, many who simply think that because this service is offered, that they have the right to use it without any sense of gratitude or appreciation. [I cannot be talking about YOU, dear reader!] Your mother dinna raise no slob nor unmannered churl, I can tell by the tone of your inquisitory electronic epistle. An idiot, perhaps, but a well-mannered one!
  It is hoped by your humble servant that the information provided above will solve the problem you express. Thank you for considering us worthy to even ask.
  Yours for a brighter and better smelling study, I am, humbly, Brother Filasticus, appointed Scribe for the Guild.
  
  • On September 19, 1998 @ 00:23, Archbishop in England (Lightinter@aol.com) wrote:
    Thank you my son, and bless you. I answereth many queries on this intenet thingy, yet seldom do I receive a response - a "thank you". Me thinketh the good manners we were taught as children, doth dyeth out. May your light shineth for ever more!
    
    • On September 21, 1998 @ 21:30, Fil Graff, Guils Secretary (fgraff@comcast.net) wrote:
      My dear Archbishop: Nay, sir, your effusive thanks, although greatly appreciated (as your humble servant, albeit favored with more missives of thanks than many Internet hosts seem to be, yet certainly not as many as the number of those as asketh favors and demand answers) are not necessary. It is I who should thank you again for the privelege of being allowed to answer the question of one so esteemed as yourself!
      By the way, Sir, as a follow-up to your querie, I have discovered, by carefully reading the questions that appeareth on this page, that the device that hopefully now provideth light and not smoke to your vestry is likely called a "lamp". The brass thingy is probably a "burner", the bottomless bottle that goeth a top it is a "chimbley", and the rope that conducts the flamable liquid to the place where it burns is called a "wick". It is amazing what one can learn by reading! Speaking of which, I hope my humble suggestions have greatly improved your ability to read from scripture in your vestry on these dreary fall evenings. One of the problems of working this page is that I seldom hear how a humble suggestion works out. Being a lowly Abbot, and not almost infallible as your Archbishopness most be because of your elevated position, some of my suggestions might not be accurate, and it would be quite rewarding to hear of those that do not have the desired results, so I could purge them from my list of suggestions to be used in future responses.
      I thank you again for your generous gratitude, and hope that your vestry "lamp" will light your pastoral work with joy and brightness for many years to come, and you may shepherd your flock in righteousness, good health and with the strength of the Lord always at your side. :: Abbot Filasticus, Abbey of St. Thomas the Befuddled in Utopia, PA in the (former) Colonies across the Big Pond ::
      
      • On September 22, 1998 @ 14:31, English Archbishop (lightinter@aol.com) wrote:
        Bless you again reverend brother, you are a true worthy, a gentleman and a scholar - so few of us left! Archbishop in England